How to say no to a drink without a long explanation

Two kinds of pressure to drink

Rethinking Drinking, NIAAA's self-help site, separates social pressure into two kinds. Direct pressure is when someone offers you a drink. Indirect pressure is when you feel tempted just by being around people who are drinking, even if nobody offers you anything.

Knowing which one you are facing helps you pick a response. Direct pressure needs a ready answer. Indirect pressure is more about what you hold, where you stand and when you leave. NIAAA suggests thinking through the situations where you feel each kind and choosing strategies for each one in advance.

Lines that work, from first offer to the third

NIAAA's advice is to be clear and firm yet friendly and respectful, not to hesitate, to look the person in the eye and to keep your answer short, clear and simple. Long explanations and vague excuses tend to prolong the discussion and give you more chances to give in.

The person offering may not know you are cutting down or stopping, so plan a series of replies that get firmer if they insist. NIAAA suggests a sequence like this:

• "No, thank you."
• "No, thanks, I don't want to."
• "You know, I'm cutting back now, to take care of myself. I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me out."

The broken record, and when to walk away

If someone keeps pushing, NIAAA suggests the "broken record": each time they make a point, repeat the same short reply. You can acknowledge what they said first ("I hear you...") and then go back to your line ("...but no, thanks"). And if words fail, you can walk away.

Practice helps. Many people are surprised how hard saying no is the first few times. NIAAA suggests writing out what the other person will say and how you will answer, rehearsing it out loud, and even asking a supportive friend to role-play realistic pressure with you.

Making the evening easier before it starts

Some situations are easier to avoid for now. NIAAA says that if you feel guilty turning down an invitation, remind yourself it is not necessarily forever, and suggest other things to do with friends that do not involve drinking.

For events you cannot or do not want to avoid, it suggests:

• keeping an alcohol-free drink in your hand if you are not drinking;
• keeping track of every drink if you are cutting back, so you stay within your limit;
• asking someone for support before you go;
• planning an escape if the temptation gets too much;
• asking others not to pressure you or not to drink around you, though that can be hard.

Telling friends you are not drinking

The NHS suggests letting friends and family know you are cutting down and that it matters to you, because then they can support you. You do not owe anyone a detailed reason. A simple "I'm not drinking at the moment" is enough, and NIAAA reminds you that it is your life and your choice, and your decision should be respected.

How you frame it to yourself matters too. NIAAA notes that thinking "I'm not allowed to drink", as if someone else set the rule, can breed resentment and make it easier to give in. Thinking "I've decided to make a change" keeps you in charge. If you are doing a dry month, our Dry January tips cover the rest of the month.

Common questions

When to get help

This site offers self-help tools and information, not medical advice. Talk to a doctor, or call one of the lines below, if:

• you feel shaky, sweaty, sick or anxious when you haven't had a drink;
• you find it hard to stop once you start, or you want to cut down and can't;
• drinking is causing problems with your health, work or the people close to you.

Before you stop: It can be very dangerous to stop drinking suddenly if you are dependent on alcohol. If you get withdrawal symptoms, get medical help before you try to stop drinking.

Sources

1. Building Your Drink Refusal Skills. NIAAA Rethinking Drinking. rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov
2. Tips to Try (Rethinking Drinking). National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov
3. Tips on cutting down on alcohol. NHS. nhs.uk